I am heading into 2025 with much optimism. As 2024 has come to an end I  I find myself reflecting on the incredible journey this year has been.. It’s difficult to put into words just how much has happened—the challenges, the triumphs, the moments that tested my resolve, and the ones that filled me with hope and joy. This year has been a blend of emotional lows and exhilarating highs, and I want to share my story in all its rawness and beauty.

The Lows: Navigating Pain and Uncertainty

The year began on a challenging note. My headaches, which had been a constant and unwelcome companion in the past, came back with a vengeance. These weren’t just occasional discomforts—they were severe, unrelenting, and debilitating. The kind of pain that makes getting through the day feel like an insurmountable task.

This marked the start of what felt like an endless series of hospital visits. In January I was admitted to hospital after a visit to accident and emergency and was being prepped for a shunt revision when the surgeons decided to do a lumbar puncture and then pressure monitoring for a few days. It was eventually discovered that I was experiencing low pressure and I had a shunt revision. That all took a couple of weeks and was my first admission to the adult hospital (very different from the kids hospital!) A few weeks later the headache was back and I was admitted again for more pressure monitoring and I was still experiencing low pressure spikes so I underwent another shunt revision. Again a couple of weeks in hospital which took in part of the Easter holidays. Each procedure came with its own physical and emotional toll. The surgeries were daunting—not just because of the pain and recovery process, but because of the uncertainty that hung over them. Would this be the solution? Would I finally get some relief?

The monitoring process was another challenge entirely. It meant days in the hospital, hooked up to a computer and stuck in bed hoping for answers but fearing the unknown. Through it all, the headaches remained my constant companion, making even the simplest tasks feel Herculean.

The Highs: Rediscovering My Strength

Despite the tough start to the year, 2024 also brought moments of incredible joy and accomplishment—moments that reminded me of my resilience and determination.

One of the defining milestones of this year was being accepted into the University of Dundee Summer School. It wasn’t just an academic opportunity; it was a lifeline. It represented a chance to prove to myself that my dreams of studying psychology were still within reach, no matter how many obstacles stood in my way.

The summer school experience turned out to be transformative. Not only did I pass, but I exceeded even my own expectations, earning top marks and securing my place at the University of Dundee Psychology course. Receiving those results was a moment of pure elation—a reminder that, even in the face of adversity, I can succeed.

Starting university in September was the beginning of a new chapter—one filled with excitement, independence, and discovery. Living on my own has been an adjustment, but it’s also been incredibly empowering. For the first time, I’ve been able to create a space that’s truly my own. It hasn’t always been easy—there are still days when the headache makes things tough—but the independence I’ve gained has been worth every struggle.

The psychology course itself has been everything I hoped for and more. I’ve thrown myself into the subject, finding joy in learning and reaffirming my passion for understanding the human mind. Meeting new people, forming friendships, and building a support network have been equally rewarding.

The University Challenge

My headache made an unwelcome return just after I finished summer School unfortunately and put a bit of a damper on starting university in September. It cast a shadow over what was supposed to be an exciting new chapter. Adjusting to university life was already a big step—juggling lectures, assignments, making new friends, and managing my independence for the first time—but doing it all while dealing with constant pain felt overwhelming. There were days when the pounding in my head made it nearly impossible to focus in class, let alone tackle the demands of coursework. Socialising, something I had been looking forward to, often took a backseat as I prioritized rest and managing my health. This made gaining and maintaining new friendships particularly challenging. I worried about missing out on social opportunities or being seen as unreliable when I had to cancel plans because of the pain. It’s been difficult to fully engage in the vibrant student life around me, but I’ve worked hard to communicate openly with the people I’ve met and build connections where I can. Despite these challenges, I’ve been learning to pace myself, ask for help when needed, and celebrate small victories, finding moments of joy and support even in the toughest times.

Academic Adjustments

Adjusting to an academic style of learning and work again has been one of the most significant challenges I’ve faced this year. After a period of focusing primarily on my health and undergoing surgeries and treatments, I found myself out of sync with the fast-paced demands of academic life. It’s not just about sitting in lectures and taking notes—it’s about diving deep into complex readings, engaging critically with materials, and staying on top of multiple assignments and deadlines. The shift back into this academic world felt overwhelming at first. I had to reacquaint myself with the discipline required for studying and learn to navigate university expectations that had become unfamiliar after my health setbacks. The pressure to perform well, particularly with a psychology course that requires constant analytical thinking, often felt like a heavy weight on my shoulders. On top of that, my headaches made focusing on long hours of reading or writing papers incredibly difficult, and it became clear I had to find a new way of approaching my studies.

One major obstacle I faced was my slower writing speed due to the headache and also and effect of my proton beam treatment. Writing essays and completing assignments, which usually require a lot of time and concentration, became even more challenging. I couldn’t rely on my usual methods for completing work, so I had to find new strategies that worked better for me. I turned to online resources and learning platforms to find methods that would help me improve my efficiency, such as tools for speech-to-text or productivity apps that allowed me to break down tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks. This shift allowed me to reduce the strain on my writing process and work at a pace that was more comfortable for me.

It was hard to stay motivated when I was battling fatigue or the intensity of my condition, and I found myself questioning if I was truly capable of handling it all. However, I’ve come to realise that this process of adjusting is a marathon, not a sprint. Gradually, I started to find strategies that worked for me—pacing myself, breaking tasks into smaller chunks, and prioritizing self-care when needed. I also sought support from lecturers and peers, which helped me feel more connected and less isolated in my struggles. The process has been a slow one, filled with ups and downs, but each step forward has been an important victory. I’m learning to manage my time better, not just in terms of academic deadlines but also in balancing my health needs with my desire to succeed. While the transition hasn’t been easy, I’m gaining confidence and resilience with each passing day, and I’m more determined than ever to prove to myself that I can thrive academically, even with my health challenges.

Isolation Frustration

The overwhelming nature of my headache has brought isolation back into my life in a way I desperately didn’t want to experience, especially now that I’m at university. The pain can be so intense and consuming that it feels like an unyielding wall between me and the outside world, preventing me from living the life I’ve been longing for. Simple things, like going out with friends, exploring the city, or even attending events on campus, have become monumental challenges. Instead of enjoying the social buzz of university life, I often find myself confined to my room, alone with my thoughts and the throbbing in my head.

This isolation is a painful and familiar reminder of past struggles, and it’s disheartening to feel it creeping in again just as I’ve started this exciting new chapter. I’ve waited so long for this moment—for the independence, the new experiences, and the chance to truly build a life of my own. But instead, I find myself missing out, watching others enjoy the vibrancy of university life while I feel trapped in the shadows of my health.

What hurts the most is knowing how much I want to break free from this cycle. I want to explore, make memories, and connect with the amazing people around me. I want to be able to say yes to opportunities without worrying about whether I’ll have the energy or be overwhelmed by the pain. I’ve worked so hard to get here, to this place of independence, and it’s frustrating and heartbreaking to feel held back.

Despite the challenges, this longing to reclaim my life is what keeps me pushing forward. Even on the toughest days, I hold on to the hope that things will improve, that I’ll find ways to manage the pain and overcome the isolation. I refuse to let this define my university experience. It’s a battle I’m determined to win because I know I deserve to live, explore, and thrive in this new chapter of my life.

Finding Balance: Managing Health and Navigating Connection

My headache has led me to develop a preference for sticking to a routine, as it’s the most effective way I’ve found to manage my symptoms and get through daily life. Having a plan and knowing what to expect gives me a sense of control over both my pain and energy levels. By structuring my days carefully, I can balance my academic workload with the rest and care I need to function. While this approach helps me stay on track, it can sometimes create distance between me and others.

Sticking to a consistent routine often means I have to decline invitations or avoid unpredictable situations, which can make me feel disconnected from the social side of university life. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with others—I really do—but I have to be mindful of what I can realistically handle without worsening my symptoms. Unfortunately, this can make it hard for me to join in with the spontaneous, carefree moments that are so common for people my age. While others around me are embracing every opportunity and living in the moment, I often feel like my health forces me to take a more cautious approach.

I sometimes worry that this cautiousness makes it harder for people to connect with me, and I hate the idea that it might come across as disinterest or unwillingness to engage. The truth is, I value connection deeply, and I’m constantly looking for ways to find a balance—one where I can manage my health while still being part of the friendships and experiences I truly want to enjoy.

Lessons Learned Along the Way

If 2024 has taught me anything, it’s the importance of resilience. Resilience doesn’t mean never struggling—it means finding the strength to keep moving forward, even when the path ahead seems impossible. It’s about celebrating every win, no matter how small, and reminding yourself that progress isn’t always linear.

This year has also been a lesson in gratitude. While the challenges have been immense, so too have the rewards. I’m deeply grateful for the support I’ve received from family, friends, and medical professionals, as well as the opportunities that have come my way.

Looking Ahead

As I look ahead to the new year, I’m choosing to carry hope with me. 2024 was a year of immense challenges, but it was also a year of growth, resilience, and progress, and I want to continue building on that momentum. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am, and while the road hasn’t been easy, I’m proud of how far I’ve come. In 2025, I want to keep pushing forward—to keep progressing, learning, and carving out my place in this new chapter of my life. My goal is to find a sense of belonging again, to overcome the isolation that my headache has brought, and to focus on building meaningful friendships in the new world of Sarah McQuade. I want to create a life filled with connection, joy, and purpose, where I can fully embrace the independence I’ve fought so hard to achieve. This isn’t just a resolution—it’s a promise to myself to keep striving, to keep dreaming, and to keep moving forward.